another day pulling myself up
right through trash              dead
roses         petrified thorns   bent
engagement rings          i can't tell
anymore     what scars are for
        attention      
and which were an accident  /the scars
on my face look    different    
from the one on my belly looks
different from the ones    
          on my wrists    
different from the    scars on every vein
I could get  to pop out enough
to pierce    /    each vein holds
my track record      its tissues
and fissures      bumps and holes/
and every  bump was a slice
of death     /a piece/  of heaven  
    frosted with hell  
stuffed and layered       with sweet 
uneven purgatory   /    layered  
skin deadens      nerves and reduces
sensitivity        like every torniquet
and  8-ball numbs the throat
the day  the week  the childhood/ i've used
everything i could think of as a torniquet    
belt  sleeve  sock  tie    tongue    
  //    the aortas  of past lovers    //
i know my aorta is thinned with rapid
thumps    a pulsing time bomb   IED waiting
for someone
to step on it     flatten it explode it     /  time
has not been kind      not because i look older
than i am but because every moment was a tug
of fucking war        between me and myself    me
and fate    fate and godless   / kind of like
the time I thought I could use a broken lightbulb
to introduce cocaine into my blood and sliced
a vein      in half      or when i
dropped to my knees too soon  broke
off the needle in my vein and left it
for months  / the veins are broken  the skull is broken    
        the pelvis is shattered and used
now to scoop ice cream into a porcelain bowl
with cracks under the clearcoat   every crack
of me is glued together with something
nefarious   cocaine cotton.  nameless fucks   vodka
and vomit         i was nameless once   
                                                          /i thought/